[He blinks-- and there they are. His shape jokes a little, as he turns to look at the rest of the room, and... there they are. Holographic, almost two-dimensional projections, all just as he remembered them but not...quite. Kuzuryuu in his uniform, instead of the suit. Souda's jumpsuit a different color. Tanaka's hair just a bit different. Saionji taller after hitting her growth spurt. Just like the simulation, but not quite. Just like his own memory of them, but still not quite.
Well, except for one. Familiar, but not... quite. He tries not to stand there staring at Mitarai, for too long.
He looks back at her, arms crossed over his chest in a futile sort of self-hug. Komaeda had already told her... what had happened to the AI Chiaki, then.]
He didn't mean to kill her. Uh... you. [His frown falls, more solemn than before.] He wanted to kill us. He was the first one that remembered we were Ultimate Despair. I was the one that...
[The one that had realized what AI Nanami had meant, to get them to vote for herself. The one that had encouraged the others to do it. He... doesn't really have any right to regret it, he thinks, but sometimes he still does.]
Pekoyama killed Koizumi so that she could get Kuzuryuu to safety. Tanaka and Nidai... they both sacrificed themselves to save our lives. Tsumiki just wanted to make Enoshima happy... Hanamura thought he was saving the rest of us. He just wanted to see his mom again. [There's a quiet frustration, bubbling under the surface. None of them had done anything wrong in the simulation, not really. It was hard to forgive for killing his friends, but it was harder still to blame any of them, when they'd been trapped in the same cruel game they'd inflicted on others.]
...Yeah. He said the same thing to me-- that it was a... game, or something? [His expression sort of... wrinkles, not exactly getting sadder, but his frown was just as strong.] But the first killing game... we broadcasted that all over the world. And Enoshima had memory wipe technology... I'm not so sure. [...Kaito gave him a headache.]
[ She reaches out a hand to touch his shoulder - an attempted gesture of comfort, among the horrible stories he's telling her.
A gesture that it's fine - that nothing he's going to say is going to stop them from being friends - that even when he's baring his soul for her, she'll still love him.
And hearing the details of what happened, how her friends all murdered each other... it's sad, and yet there's still love in all of their actions. It's actually not even as bad as she'd imagined. Maybe it's because Hinata's had time to think, and process all their deaths... but Nanami finds it easy to understand, with Hinata's explanations, how things turned out the way they did. ]
Maybe.... it's just-- he knew about me, too. And...
[ Hold on. ] The... the first killing game. Was that... the one in the school?
[He looks up at the shoulder touch-- almost jumpy, as he looks as her properly again. It's a small reassurance, but the simple gesture is enough. To know that she's still here, that she's still listening, that she hasn't given up on them in disgust, or hatred.
He relaxes a little, but it's just barely.]
...Yeah. Class 78. Junko Enoshima's class.
[He leans his hip against the podium, looking back at the facsimile of the rest of the 77th. Though he's already starting to get a bit more drippy than usual, despite the confidence boost from their surroundings.]
After the riots started, the remainder of the living staff and students barricaded themselves inside the school. Enoshima killed the headmaster... and since they were locked in, she used it to orchestrate the first killing game. That's... the one where Ikusaba died. Where Junko died, too.
[ It's funny... when she'd first entered, she hadn't really given too much thought to the room they're in. She'd been too immediately distracted by what Hinata wanted to tell her.
But the longer they stay in here, the more uneasiness she feels. Why this room? Why all the podiums? Was this all part of it? ]
So that one... the deaths were real. [ There'd been no coma to shake them out of. The ones who'd died had lost their lives for good, just like the reserve course. ]
[It's a grim admission. But the whole point was not letting himself run from their mistakes. He thinks about poor Celeste, one of their victims brought back with the Fog's magic. They'd never really been close, and she'd been gone too quickly. He wishes he could've had the chance the apologize to her, even if she seemed the type to throw it in his face.]
Ten out of sixteen of them died. That includes Ikusaba and Enoshima. Those survivors were the ones that tried to help us.
[It's one way he'd never be able to understand Naegi and his friends; believing so deeply like that, being able to help the people that had murdered your loved ones so brutally... Well, that was the difference between them, he supposed.]
[ The numbers wash over her, and it makes her feel... kind of numb. Ten of the sixteen. Only six left. The idea of permanently losing that much of her class is...
Well, she guesses in a way she has; only Hinata, Komaeda, and Souda remain here. But at least she knows that the rest of her class are safe and alive, in another world.
She swallows, and nods. ] That's... that's incredibly kind of them. ... They must have known what it was like, and not wanted the same for all of you.
Maybe... [It belays his own hesitation and confusion, but in a way, there's a logic to Naegi's kindness, no matter how strange it still seemed from the outside.]
It would've been more sensible to kill us. At least if he killed all of us, there wouldn't have been anyone left that cared. [He doesn't realize maybe that's not the sort of thing you just drop in casual conversation, but then, it's not exactly casual, is it.]
Plus, it was us who had caused so many of his friends to die... If it were me, I don't think I could've been the bigger person. [He shakes his head.] But Naegi... really did believe in hope like that. He didn't want all of this to end with even more suffering... I guess I kinda ruined it.
[He scratches his face, a feeble attempt at injecting a bit of levity to the situation.]
Um... I think that's as far as along as I remember, though. So if you have any other questions...
[ A pang of pain goes thru Nanami, and her entire form shudders. The whole of her class killed - even if it's a world away where she can't reach them - hurts too much to imagine. She's extremely glad that Naegi and the others let them live.
She stares down at the floor of the trial room, idly tracing one of her fingers along her podium, as she processes everything, thinks it all over. She gets what Hinata means, even though she doesn't want to - the anger she'd feel if somebody were to hurt the ones close to her... she doesn't know what she'd do about it.
But there it is, laid out for her - a timeline of everything that happened. Two killing games, both inflicted by her class and Junko in tandem; the end of the world; and afterwards, in the rubble... ]
How... did it end? [ She looks back up to meet Hinata's gaze again. She's glossed over it, in asking; so has he. ] You had two choices... but you woke up with both memories...
What... what happened, at the end of the simulation? How did you get out?
[How did it end...? It's a trial that Hinata would never be able to forget, even if he wanted to. The room around them glitches, stripping away the facade to show the same digital framework in that final trial room. Their classmates disappear, the air fills with dead pixels blinking in and out like a glitching screen.]
....We had to shutdown the program, because otherwise Enoshima would get out again. But doing that meant that I would... disappear. [He swallows.] The others would forget everything that had happened in the simulation, including everything our friends had done for us. N-None of us... wanted to make that decision. So for awhile, we just... didn't.
[He's a coward, he knows. He's not proud of his own indecision. But even now, trying to keep his thoughts calm and collected in the trial room, it's too easy to go back to that paralyzing fear he'd felt before, that had frozen all of them in place. The bright yellow color finally bubbles up inside him.]
...The AI Chiaki was the one that helped me finally make a decision. To keep moving towards the future, even if it was scary.... eventually everything would work out.
[He takes a breath.]
So, we chose to shutdown the program to erase Enoshima's data. To be honest, I don't... I don't know how we kept both memories. But when we woke up, I was me instead of him, and the others still remembered. All I remember is how badly we wanted to remember each other, and our friends... I-It seems too improbable, so I just never wanted to question it. Like that would somehow cause one set of memories to collapse on itself. Or I'd wake up, and we'd still somehow be in the simulation still...
[ And that's when she stretches up, to meet his height, and hugs him.
She hugs him because of the horribleness of the situation, and what he had to go through. She hugs him because of the terrible choice he had to make that almost erased him forever.
She hugs him because his defiance and stubbornness brought him through in the end, as well as all their friends. She's upset and sad and proud of him all at once. ]
I'm glad you're okay. I'm so glad... that all of you...
[ She's pulled her goop together enough, by this point in the month, that there's no unintentional mixing. But it's still more hugging than is normal between the two of them. ]
To keep moving forward, even if it's hard... I'm so glad that you were able to do that, Hinata-kun...
[It's pure superstition, the anxiety that blooms from the yellow color around his throat and under his shirt from daring to bring up the topic. But he startles, his fears suddenly swept aside, when she hugs him.
It's such a soft, tender sentiment. She's sad for what they've been through, and not even mad for what they've done. Of course, she wouldn't be-- Hinata knows she wouldn't be, no matter how much his irrational brain would tell him she should be. But Nanami has always proved those notions wrong, being kind and understanding even when he talks about ripping apart the world.
For a moment, he stiffens up, just on instinct. But she genuinely... is just glad that they're okay.
He takes a breath, and lets it out-- he doesn't cry, not quite, but there's a soft mix of blue that swirls with the other colors inside him, and he slowly drags his own arms around her, returning the hug and grasping tight.]
I'm sorry... everything we did... I still don't understand how you can still forgive us for it all...!
[ There isn't really an easy answer to the question he asks, the same one that Komaeda asked on the beach last week. There's definitely no selfless or moral reason for it, either; Nanami's very aware of that. ]
Hinata-kun... what if it had been me, that had done all that?... [ Not Naegi and his class; not one of the other many monsters in Ryslig; Nanami herself. ] I think... you'd be there for me, too.
... But even without that ... you haven't done anything wrong to me. And you've all forgiven each other - taken care of each other.
Why wouldn't I do the same... when I care about you all so much anyway?
[ She squeezes him tighter, then. ] There's nothing to forgive. And I still love you all so much. That's really all it is, I think. I don't want to give up my best friend over something like this. Not when you were hurting so badly...
[If it had been Nanami? Of course he wouldn't care. It's practically a no-brainer; even if he was that same pathetic kid who'd never done anything in his life, before the death, the tragedies, the experiment, why would he think less of his best friend? His first friend? One of the few people that had actually cared about someone so worthless as him...
Well, maybe it really was that easy. It was easy to see why people would loath him and their friends for what they'd done, but it was just as easy to still love them anyway. It was even easy to still love Junko, despite how much he hates it.
Still, it didn't seem right. And he squeezed tighter, hunching over as he buried his own face in her shoulder.]
I watched you die...! I just stood there and listened as you bled out in front of me and I didn't do anything...! [His voice was strung out and wrought. Even for how spotty his memory was at times, the image of her struggling on the ground, in a pool of her own blood and covered in punctures is crystal clear in his mind.]
H-How can you say I've never done anything wrong to you...?!
Could he have done anything? Wasn't she too far gone? But that isn't really the crux of the issue, anyway.
Hinata couldn't have done anything, cause it hadn't been him watching. Not exactly. It had been Izuru, beaten down and hurt and abused by the school they were part of, incapable of feeling anything but despair. ]
You... [ She swallows, trying to find the right words. How can she forgive him for that? How come it's so easy? She shakes her head. ]
I don't care. We're here now, and-- and that's what matters.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
Well, except for one. Familiar, but not... quite. He tries not to stand there staring at Mitarai, for too long.
He looks back at her, arms crossed over his chest in a futile sort of self-hug. Komaeda had already told her... what had happened to the AI Chiaki, then.]
He didn't mean to kill her. Uh... you. [His frown falls, more solemn than before.] He wanted to kill us. He was the first one that remembered we were Ultimate Despair. I was the one that...
[The one that had realized what AI Nanami had meant, to get them to vote for herself. The one that had encouraged the others to do it. He... doesn't really have any right to regret it, he thinks, but sometimes he still does.]
Pekoyama killed Koizumi so that she could get Kuzuryuu to safety. Tanaka and Nidai... they both sacrificed themselves to save our lives. Tsumiki just wanted to make Enoshima happy... Hanamura thought he was saving the rest of us. He just wanted to see his mom again. [There's a quiet frustration, bubbling under the surface. None of them had done anything wrong in the simulation, not really. It was hard to forgive for killing his friends, but it was harder still to blame any of them, when they'd been trapped in the same cruel game they'd inflicted on others.]
...Yeah. He said the same thing to me-- that it was a... game, or something? [His expression sort of... wrinkles, not exactly getting sadder, but his frown was just as strong.] But the first killing game... we broadcasted that all over the world. And Enoshima had memory wipe technology... I'm not so sure. [...Kaito gave him a headache.]
no subject
A gesture that it's fine - that nothing he's going to say is going to stop them from being friends - that even when he's baring his soul for her, she'll still love him.
And hearing the details of what happened, how her friends all murdered each other... it's sad, and yet there's still love in all of their actions. It's actually not even as bad as she'd imagined. Maybe it's because Hinata's had time to think, and process all their deaths... but Nanami finds it easy to understand, with Hinata's explanations, how things turned out the way they did. ]
Maybe.... it's just-- he knew about me, too. And...
[ Hold on. ] The... the first killing game. Was that... the one in the school?
no subject
He relaxes a little, but it's just barely.]
...Yeah. Class 78. Junko Enoshima's class.
[He leans his hip against the podium, looking back at the facsimile of the rest of the 77th. Though he's already starting to get a bit more drippy than usual, despite the confidence boost from their surroundings.]
After the riots started, the remainder of the living staff and students barricaded themselves inside the school. Enoshima killed the headmaster... and since they were locked in, she used it to orchestrate the first killing game. That's... the one where Ikusaba died. Where Junko died, too.
no subject
But the longer they stay in here, the more uneasiness she feels. Why this room? Why all the podiums? Was this all part of it? ]
So that one... the deaths were real. [ There'd been no coma to shake them out of. The ones who'd died had lost their lives for good, just like the reserve course. ]
And... how many of them... ?
no subject
[It's a grim admission. But the whole point was not letting himself run from their mistakes. He thinks about poor Celeste, one of their victims brought back with the Fog's magic. They'd never really been close, and she'd been gone too quickly. He wishes he could've had the chance the apologize to her, even if she seemed the type to throw it in his face.]
Ten out of sixteen of them died. That includes Ikusaba and Enoshima. Those survivors were the ones that tried to help us.
[It's one way he'd never be able to understand Naegi and his friends; believing so deeply like that, being able to help the people that had murdered your loved ones so brutally... Well, that was the difference between them, he supposed.]
no subject
Well, she guesses in a way she has; only Hinata, Komaeda, and Souda remain here. But at least she knows that the rest of her class are safe and alive, in another world.
She swallows, and nods. ] That's... that's incredibly kind of them. ... They must have known what it was like, and not wanted the same for all of you.
I'm glad they were able to help you.
no subject
It would've been more sensible to kill us. At least if he killed all of us, there wouldn't have been anyone left that cared. [He doesn't realize maybe that's not the sort of thing you just drop in casual conversation, but then, it's not exactly casual, is it.]
Plus, it was us who had caused so many of his friends to die... If it were me, I don't think I could've been the bigger person. [He shakes his head.] But Naegi... really did believe in hope like that. He didn't want all of this to end with even more suffering... I guess I kinda ruined it.
[He scratches his face, a feeble attempt at injecting a bit of levity to the situation.]
Um... I think that's as far as along as I remember, though. So if you have any other questions...
no subject
She stares down at the floor of the trial room, idly tracing one of her fingers along her podium, as she processes everything, thinks it all over. She gets what Hinata means, even though she doesn't want to - the anger she'd feel if somebody were to hurt the ones close to her... she doesn't know what she'd do about it.
But there it is, laid out for her - a timeline of everything that happened. Two killing games, both inflicted by her class and Junko in tandem; the end of the world; and afterwards, in the rubble... ]
How... did it end? [ She looks back up to meet Hinata's gaze again. She's glossed over it, in asking; so has he. ] You had two choices... but you woke up with both memories...
What... what happened, at the end of the simulation? How did you get out?
no subject
....We had to shutdown the program, because otherwise Enoshima would get out again. But doing that meant that I would... disappear. [He swallows.] The others would forget everything that had happened in the simulation, including everything our friends had done for us. N-None of us... wanted to make that decision. So for awhile, we just... didn't.
[He's a coward, he knows. He's not proud of his own indecision. But even now, trying to keep his thoughts calm and collected in the trial room, it's too easy to go back to that paralyzing fear he'd felt before, that had frozen all of them in place. The bright yellow color finally bubbles up inside him.]
...The AI Chiaki was the one that helped me finally make a decision. To keep moving towards the future, even if it was scary.... eventually everything would work out.
[He takes a breath.]
So, we chose to shutdown the program to erase Enoshima's data. To be honest, I don't... I don't know how we kept both memories. But when we woke up, I was me instead of him, and the others still remembered. All I remember is how badly we wanted to remember each other, and our friends... I-It seems too improbable, so I just never wanted to question it. Like that would somehow cause one set of memories to collapse on itself. Or I'd wake up, and we'd still somehow be in the simulation still...
no subject
She hugs him because of the horribleness of the situation, and what he had to go through. She hugs him because of the terrible choice he had to make that almost erased him forever.
She hugs him because his defiance and stubbornness brought him through in the end, as well as all their friends. She's upset and sad and proud of him all at once. ]
I'm glad you're okay. I'm so glad... that all of you...
[ She's pulled her goop together enough, by this point in the month, that there's no unintentional mixing. But it's still more hugging than is normal between the two of them. ]
To keep moving forward, even if it's hard... I'm so glad that you were able to do that, Hinata-kun...
no subject
It's such a soft, tender sentiment. She's sad for what they've been through, and not even mad for what they've done. Of course, she wouldn't be-- Hinata knows she wouldn't be, no matter how much his irrational brain would tell him she should be. But Nanami has always proved those notions wrong, being kind and understanding even when he talks about ripping apart the world.
For a moment, he stiffens up, just on instinct. But she genuinely... is just glad that they're okay.
He takes a breath, and lets it out-- he doesn't cry, not quite, but there's a soft mix of blue that swirls with the other colors inside him, and he slowly drags his own arms around her, returning the hug and grasping tight.]
I'm sorry... everything we did... I still don't understand how you can still forgive us for it all...!
no subject
Hinata-kun... what if it had been me, that had done all that?... [ Not Naegi and his class; not one of the other many monsters in Ryslig; Nanami herself. ] I think... you'd be there for me, too.
... But even without that ... you haven't done anything wrong to me. And you've all forgiven each other - taken care of each other.
Why wouldn't I do the same... when I care about you all so much anyway?
[ She squeezes him tighter, then. ] There's nothing to forgive. And I still love you all so much. That's really all it is, I think. I don't want to give up my best friend over something like this. Not when you were hurting so badly...
cw: description of graphic death
Well, maybe it really was that easy. It was easy to see why people would loath him and their friends for what they'd done, but it was just as easy to still love them anyway. It was even easy to still love Junko, despite how much he hates it.
Still, it didn't seem right. And he squeezed tighter, hunching over as he buried his own face in her shoulder.]
I watched you die...! I just stood there and listened as you bled out in front of me and I didn't do anything...! [His voice was strung out and wrought. Even for how spotty his memory was at times, the image of her struggling on the ground, in a pool of her own blood and covered in punctures is crystal clear in his mind.]
H-How can you say I've never done anything wrong to you...?!
no subject
Could he have done anything? Wasn't she too far gone? But that isn't really the crux of the issue, anyway.
Hinata couldn't have done anything, cause it hadn't been him watching. Not exactly. It had been Izuru, beaten down and hurt and abused by the school they were part of, incapable of feeling anything but despair. ]
You... [ She swallows, trying to find the right words. How can she forgive him for that? How come it's so easy? She shakes her head. ]
I don't care. We're here now, and-- and that's what matters.