[It's almost disappointing how quickly she loses the will to fight. Groaning, she buries her face in her hands and tries to take a breath. Life was easier in a lot of ways when people rose to her fucking bait. If this guy turns out to just be a genuinely nice person she's going to punch him in the face.]
[He sure apologizes a lot, huh.]
i'm not here to give you a shovel talk. i just want to know what your deal is. he doesn't like a lot of people, so i want to know why. what about you makes him feel like you give a damn about him.
[It takes him awhile to think of what to say, and what not to say-- Lila probably knows a lot of the details of their stupid, fucked up lives if she's that close to Komaeda, but he doesn't want to say too much on accident.]
we were... comrades before our disaster of a class trip. I don't think we really got along, but he helped me with something important. when we first met after that, he helped me. made sure I was okay. he did some messed up stuff, but every time we were up against the wall, he still helped us get to the truth. And it's not like any of us were really that innocent.
I wanted to understand him. get him to open up to us, but... in the end, there wasn't anything I could do for him. I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to get him to trust me, and I know it's my fault.
but I do give a damn about him. a part of me was as surprised as you are that he still gave a damn about ME. but I'm trying to figure out how to prove that I do.
i asked why he thinks you care about him. i never said i was surprised he still cares about YOU. that doesn't surprise me at all. he wants to be loved and belong more than anything. you could kick him down the stairs and he'd forgive you. you were kind to him, you made him feel like someone who mattered, he'll follow you off the edge of the earth.
if you don't get that, you're going to hurt him. no matter how good your intentions are, you're going to hurt him.
[It's the same thing as Mukuro, albeit from a different lens. The both of them, they don't understand their own worth. They give gratitude for scraps. They break themselves for attention, even if it comes at the cost of pain. It's Junko. And this guy . . .]
[I wasn't strong enough or smart enough, it's my fault—]
[Just another Riley, isn't he. Just another Cassel.]
I know that. how much he doesn't care what happens to him. and more than anything, I wish he would.
[The sight of his body, covered in blood and gasping for breath still haunts him. Even Komaeda's zealotry when they were Ultimate Despair was just the worst possible outcome for what he was already like.]
and I know I've already hurt him in the past without meaning to. and I know it's my own damn fault. I was useless back then, but I'm not useless now. I promised I would do everything in my power to protect him, and I'm going to.
I couldn't save him from this-- stupid fucking flower disease, but I'm not going to fail him again. I refuse.
[There's a massive, billowing shape in her living room, a cloud of wrongness like fog descending and darkening to conceal everything. It surrounds her laptop, the glowing light of its screen shining greenish in the depths of the twisting smoke. Roiling. Reading. Restless, ready to move at any time. Just give her a reason.]
[But he doesn't.]
[I'm not going to fail him again.]
[Abruptly, she coalesces into human form, falling on her butt on the edge of the couch with hands poised over the keyboard. Thinking. Wide white eyes unblinking and focused.]
[Her fingers hover, wrists tense. And then they descend.]
what did junko enoshima do to you?
[She rarely sees the nastiest side of Komaeda. Just the same, he rarely sees this side of her. She's been striking out with educated guesses, and the results have been helpful, but she does not trust this boy. She's struck on a weak point. A hole in the glove. The best place to work magic, to stab and thrust and draw blood.]
[And get the truth.]
[She's an opportunist, a tame thing gone wild. She needs the answer like she needs to eat. Give her something to add to the list of Junko's crimes. Give her a weakness, just in case everything goes wrong. Just in case she has to defend those who are now hers to defend.]
[The first messages come quickly in a flurry of shock and panic. He wants to ask how, how does she know, but the answer is clear if he thinks about it for more a few seconds.
But it sends his thoughts racing, typing and deleting too many half-formed responses. She didn't-- She ruined-- It's hard to explain-- He let her in--]
[There's no humor in her smile, but smile she does, wide and white, glowing through her jagged teeth in a formless face. More a snarl than anything, the victory display of an underhanded alley fighter.]
[Good.]
komaeda told me what happened to komaeda. komaeda told me about hope and despair and ending the world, but mostly komaeda told me about komaeda, the only one i cared about.
[Past tense. She cares about some other things now. She cares about Mukuro, and Celeste — but she also understands them. This is a new quantity, a new piece on the board. What did the puppetmaster do to you?]
he told me junko didn't need to manipulate him, because she gave him a purpose. he said there were only a few like him. which means there are three options of what you might be. one of the few, one of the many, or one of junko's.
[It takes him a long time to think of what to do. What to say. They're memories he would rather leave to the side of the road, despite the struggle to reclaim them. Even if he takes responsibility for what he did as Izuru, it-- feels worse, having to explain it.
Still-- even if she doesn't seem to like him that much, she's someone that Komaeda trusts with the truth. If she already knows about Junko, he can say-- something.]
she didn't do anything to me
her and ikusaba saved me from the school. gave me a reason to live, instead of being the school's thousand dollar pet.
[Ever since he woke up in Haftesal, that anger always felt so close to boiling under the surface. He keeps it down, but it's at least easier to focus on that than the pit in his stomach.]
I think she gave a lot of us a purpose that we never had. but I helped her willingly. no tricks, no games, no pretense.
and then when we were in the simulation, she wanted us to kill each other, just like what we did to class 78. she wanted to take over the bodies of our dead friends to cause more mayhem. that included Komaeda.
[Thousand dollar pet. Thousand dollar pet, and that goes back to what Mukuro said, doesn't it? About doctors, and hospitals, and scientists . . . Unseen, she nods, staring intently at the computer. And then there's Mukuro's name properly. It soothes her, lowers her ire a bit.]
[She doesn't trust him. But he's telling her something, and she thinks it's the truth. There are no gaps, no logical inconsistencies. Nothing for her to prod at too much. No, this is real. None of it makes him not an asshole, but he's not lying to her. It's a start.]
[Class 78. Put a pin in that one.]
and he tried to break the game. he told me that part. and some of what happened after. he told me that he tried to explain the truth to you, and you didn't believe him. which makes me think she fucked with your head, too.
probably not a concern, but just in case it is, i'm not judging you for the apocalypse thing. komaeda thought i would. most people are cruel, almost everyone is worthless. judging the people who come from your world based on whether or not they despaired or whatever the fuck is a waste of my time.
if she did it wouldn't have made a difference. the school fucked with my head first. it's my own fault I didn't listen to him when I should've, not hers.
...though I'd be willing to blame the school, too.
[There's a lot of people he should've listened to more, and didn't get the chance. The Imposter, Koizumi, Tsumiki, Tanaka... Nanami.
Still, it's... nice. Not being judged for the crimes they committed, or how they destroyed their own world. He expected it to happen more. But it sounded like Lila had earned Komaeda's trust because she doesn't. And really, there was a time when he had been someone that believed most people were worthless.]
thanks, though. for not judging the despair stuff.
oh, don't worry. i wasn't going to let you off the hook for not believing him. you're right. that's your sin to atone for. but it seems like you're willing to take responsibility, which is more than i can say for a lot of people.
some advice, though? don't thank me for not judging. you matter to komaeda, so i don't want to bullshit you. it's not just that i don't judge, i don't care. i don't feel anything about all those dead people. when komaeda told me, he was so upset, so guilty, and i didn't feel anything except that i didn't want him to be sad. so don't mistake me for a forgiving person, and don't concoct some softer version of me in your head. i hate when people do that, and guys are the worst about it.
I won't. you're clearly pretty aggressive and also kind of scary? but you still care a lot for Komaeda, and I admire that. even if you seem like you'd kick my ass.
but it's good to have people that don't bullshit you. and I swear I'm gonna do better while I'm here. if not, then you can definitely kick my ass.
[He considers that an accomplishment! For like, five minutes.]
uh
no i don't think that came up
[Did it??? Did he forget??? He wasn't pretty sure it hadn't but listen a lot had happened in the past few weeks. Was he gonna get his ass kicked now--]
i mean yeah we are. we have been. since i'm not sure when because he didn't realize we were for a while but it's been a while. so if you're dating him too you're gonna have to put up with me.
[That had been nice. Sorry Lila neither of them know how actual dates work,]
the arcade's really important to him. it used to belong to an old friend of ours, but she's not here anymore. so I guess he and Souda were taking care of it before... and Souda's not very good at cleaning up when he's left alone.
but Komaeda asked me to help him, so I said yes. I want to honor her memory too, so I didn't mind.
...I did think it was a weird place for a date, though.
[So much so he didn't realize it was a date until mid-cleaning.]
yeah i heard about souda the slob. not a good reason to have a date there. next time have him clean the arcade and go on a date there after. if you like arcade games i mean i don't know. or just hang out for the ambience? i don't really get it. whatever.
he's not very good at this. like he's really nervous about all of it. like a lot. you don't exactly strike me as casanova but if you make fun of him for it i'll eat your heart.
I'm basically the farthest thing away from being suave or cool or good at dating. I wouldn't make fun of him anyway, but it's not like I have any right to mock when I don't even know what I'm doing.
but I'm gonna try! like cafes, and parks and... lunch? the arcade might not be a bad idea.
i don't know, the way boys interact with each other is weird. you might just punch him in the arm and go "bro" a lot and that's the whole date. how should i fucking know?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[He sure apologizes a lot, huh.]
i'm not here to give you a shovel talk. i just want to know what your deal is. he doesn't like a lot of people, so i want to know why. what about you makes him feel like you give a damn about him.
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we were... comrades before our disaster of a class trip. I don't think we really got along, but he helped me with something important. when we first met after that, he helped me. made sure I was okay. he did some messed up stuff, but every time we were up against the wall, he still helped us get to the truth. And it's not like any of us were really that innocent.
I wanted to understand him. get him to open up to us, but... in the end, there wasn't anything I could do for him. I wasn't strong enough or smart enough to get him to trust me, and I know it's my fault.
but I do give a damn about him. a part of me was as surprised as you are that he still gave a damn about ME. but I'm trying to figure out how to prove that I do.
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[Ah. This reply . . . comes very quickly.]
i asked why he thinks you care about him. i never said i was surprised he still cares about YOU. that doesn't surprise me at all. he wants to be loved and belong more than anything. you could kick him down the stairs and he'd forgive you. you were kind to him, you made him feel like someone who mattered, he'll follow you off the edge of the earth.
if you don't get that, you're going to hurt him. no matter how good your intentions are, you're going to hurt him.
[It's the same thing as Mukuro, albeit from a different lens. The both of them, they don't understand their own worth. They give gratitude for scraps. They break themselves for attention, even if it comes at the cost of pain. It's Junko. And this guy . . .]
[I wasn't strong enough or smart enough, it's my fault—]
[Just another Riley, isn't he. Just another Cassel.]
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[The sight of his body, covered in blood and gasping for breath still haunts him. Even Komaeda's zealotry when they were Ultimate Despair was just the worst possible outcome for what he was already like.]
and I know I've already hurt him in the past without meaning to. and I know it's my own damn fault. I was useless back then, but I'm not useless now. I promised I would do everything in my power to protect him, and I'm going to.
I couldn't save him from this-- stupid fucking flower disease, but I'm not going to fail him again. I refuse.
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[But he doesn't.]
[I'm not going to fail him again.]
[Abruptly, she coalesces into human form, falling on her butt on the edge of the couch with hands poised over the keyboard. Thinking. Wide white eyes unblinking and focused.]
[Her fingers hover, wrists tense. And then they descend.]
what did junko enoshima do to you?
[She rarely sees the nastiest side of Komaeda. Just the same, he rarely sees this side of her. She's been striking out with educated guesses, and the results have been helpful, but she does not trust this boy. She's struck on a weak point. A hole in the glove. The best place to work magic, to stab and thrust and draw blood.]
[And get the truth.]
[She's an opportunist, a tame thing gone wild. She needs the answer like she needs to eat. Give her something to add to the list of Junko's crimes. Give her a weakness, just in case everything goes wrong. Just in case she has to defend those who are now hers to defend.]
no subject
why
[The first messages come quickly in a flurry of shock and panic. He wants to ask how, how does she know, but the answer is clear if he thinks about it for more a few seconds.
But it sends his thoughts racing, typing and deleting too many half-formed responses. She didn't-- She ruined-- It's hard to explain-- He let her in--]
is this really that important
hasn't he told you about what happened?
no subject
[Good.]
komaeda told me what happened to komaeda. komaeda told me about hope and despair and ending the world, but mostly komaeda told me about komaeda, the only one i cared about.
[Past tense. She cares about some other things now. She cares about Mukuro, and Celeste — but she also understands them. This is a new quantity, a new piece on the board. What did the puppetmaster do to you?]
he told me junko didn't need to manipulate him, because she gave him a purpose. he said there were only a few like him. which means there are three options of what you might be. one of the few, one of the many, or one of junko's.
are you going to answer my question?
no subject
Still-- even if she doesn't seem to like him that much, she's someone that Komaeda trusts with the truth. If she already knows about Junko, he can say-- something.]
she didn't do anything to me
her and ikusaba saved me from the school. gave me a reason to live, instead of being the school's thousand dollar pet.
[Ever since he woke up in Haftesal, that anger always felt so close to boiling under the surface. He keeps it down, but it's at least easier to focus on that than the pit in his stomach.]
I think she gave a lot of us a purpose that we never had. but I helped her willingly. no tricks, no games, no pretense.
and then when we were in the simulation, she wanted us to kill each other, just like what we did to class 78. she wanted to take over the bodies of our dead friends to cause more mayhem. that included Komaeda.
no subject
[She doesn't trust him. But he's telling her something, and she thinks it's the truth. There are no gaps, no logical inconsistencies. Nothing for her to prod at too much. No, this is real. None of it makes him not an asshole, but he's not lying to her. It's a start.]
[Class 78. Put a pin in that one.]
and he tried to break the game. he told me that part. and some of what happened after. he told me that he tried to explain the truth to you, and you didn't believe him. which makes me think she fucked with your head, too.
probably not a concern, but just in case it is, i'm not judging you for the apocalypse thing. komaeda thought i would. most people are cruel, almost everyone is worthless. judging the people who come from your world based on whether or not they despaired or whatever the fuck is a waste of my time.
no subject
I doubt it
if she did it wouldn't have made a difference. the school fucked with my head first. it's my own fault I didn't listen to him when I should've, not hers.
...though I'd be willing to blame the school, too.
[There's a lot of people he should've listened to more, and didn't get the chance. The Imposter, Koizumi, Tsumiki, Tanaka... Nanami.
Still, it's... nice. Not being judged for the crimes they committed, or how they destroyed their own world. He expected it to happen more. But it sounded like Lila had earned Komaeda's trust because she doesn't. And really, there was a time when he had been someone that believed most people were worthless.]
thanks, though. for not judging the despair stuff.
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some advice, though? don't thank me for not judging. you matter to komaeda, so i don't want to bullshit you. it's not just that i don't judge, i don't care. i don't feel anything about all those dead people. when komaeda told me, he was so upset, so guilty, and i didn't feel anything except that i didn't want him to be sad. so don't mistake me for a forgiving person, and don't concoct some softer version of me in your head. i hate when people do that, and guys are the worst about it.
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but it's good to have people that don't bullshit you. and I swear I'm gonna do better while I'm here. if not, then you can definitely kick my ass.
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i've decided i'm only going to kick your ass if you deserve it and not just if you annoy me. probably. so you've got that going for you.
out of curiosity, did he tell you we're dating or
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uh
no i don't think that came up
[Did it??? Did he forget??? He wasn't pretty sure it hadn't but listen a lot had happened in the past few weeks. Was he gonna get his ass kicked now--]
sorry for not realizing that.
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how can somebody so smart be so dumb sometimes
i mean yeah we are. we have been. since i'm not sure when because he didn't realize we were for a while but it's been a while. so if you're dating him too you're gonna have to put up with me.
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I don't mind. you have seniority, so I'll try not to step on your toes.
[Also because of the previous comments about ass-kicking.]
in the end, we both want the same thing, right? for Komaeda to be happy.
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i mean, i would have agreed with you a second ago, but then you declared me alpha girlfriend so i can't hear you over this power trip
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fair enough. but hopefully you won't forget all us little people from your perch as alpha girlfriend.
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for some reason, i haven't yet.
oh, that reminds me. why the fuck did you agree to a date where you just clean? is this a guy thing because i fucking hate it.
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[That had been nice. Sorry Lila neither of them know how actual dates work,]
the arcade's really important to him. it used to belong to an old friend of ours, but she's not here anymore. so I guess he and Souda were taking care of it before... and Souda's not very good at cleaning up when he's left alone.
but Komaeda asked me to help him, so I said yes. I want to honor her memory too, so I didn't mind.
...I did think it was a weird place for a date, though.
[So much so he didn't realize it was a date until mid-cleaning.]
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he's not very good at this. like he's really nervous about all of it. like a lot. you don't exactly strike me as casanova but if you make fun of him for it i'll eat your heart.
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but I'm gonna try! like cafes, and parks and... lunch? the arcade might not be a bad idea.
[Well he's trying,]
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those ideas don't suck, though. good.
i've decided i don't hate you.
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[It would also probably make Souda freak out about it, which is pretty funny.]
but I'm glad. I won't let you down.